How to Have it All in Just 5 Minutes a Day!

For centuries, women have been told they can’t have it all. But that’s a fucking lie! You can be perfect and more and you can do it RIGHT NOW! Just follow these easy steps:

·      Log in to Facebook and “Like” the first 10 things you see. It doesn’t matter what they are, just do it! Human connection!

·      Lose the baby weight!

·      Two words: Coconut Oil! Use it for everything - shampoo, lotion, makeup remover, deodorant, lubricant, car oil, birth control, etc.

·      One more word: Kale!!! Eat only kale! Jennifer Aniston does it! No time to look up recipes, just grab a leaf and start gnawing!

·      Learn Italian on your way to work.

·      Achieve sexual satisfaction! If you’re too tired for sex, just shove a live lobster down your pants, then drop it in a pot of boiling water for dinner. He’ll love it!

·      Did you lose the baby weight yet??? OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING HERE?!?!

·      Drink 8 glasses of water each day, and don’t forget to sit up straight.

·      Makeover montage!

·      Stop taking your medication - nervous breakdowns burn calories! Every time your heart races uncontrollably, you’re doing cardio!

·      Send a hand-written note to your Grandmother.

·      "Opting Out"

·      Cocaine!!!!!!!

·      Read the free Kindle sample of Lean In (that’s all you need!)

·      Do yoga in your sleep!

·      Read this magazine article for 69 ways to BLOW HIS MIND.

·      Be confident! You’re beautiful inside and out!*

* As long as you lose the fucking baby weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The deranged sorority girl, a prolific email writer who brought dignity to the term “c*nt punt,” has resigned from her post as Greek Week chair. I’m sure she’ll need a resume to find a new gig, so, I offered up my services. 

via The Soup

The deranged sorority girl, a prolific email writer who brought dignity to the term “c*nt punt,” has resigned from her post as Greek Week chair. I’m sure she’ll need a resume to find a new gig, so, I offered up my services. 

via The Soup

Another drone spotted over NYC! When will our national nightmare be over?

Another drone spotted over NYC! When will our national nightmare be over?

My latest article for Dame - why Disney’s Oz the Great and Powerful is worse for girls’ self-esteem than The Bachelor. 

My latest article for Dame - why Disney’s Oz the Great and Powerful is worse for girls’ self-esteem than The Bachelor

Preserving my Nate Silver-esque prediction for Anne Hathaway’s Oscar Acceptance speech. Pretty spot-on, minus the “It came true.”

Preserving my Nate Silver-esque prediction for Anne Hathaway’s Oscar Acceptance speech. Pretty spot-on, minus the “It came true.”

Burger King is embracing the horse meat issue in their Value* Meals. “Burger King: What other kind of meat is there?”


*Savings calculated before medical bills, emotional trauma, lifetime of therapy

Burger King is embracing the horse meat issue in their Value* Meals. “Burger King: What other kind of meat is there?”

*Savings calculated before medical bills, emotional trauma, lifetime of therapy

Damn, Martha Stewart! I bet you could milk that cow and make three kinds of cheese without even messing up your blow-out.

Damn, Martha Stewart! I bet you could milk that cow and make three kinds of cheese without even messing up your blow-out.